


Distract And Sedate

by apieformydean



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Angst, Atheism, Character Death, Christianity, Coincidences, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Drug Use, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Family Drama, First Kiss, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, I promise, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Malec, Maryse Lightwood Being An Asshole, Multi, Polyamory, Psychologically Abusive Parents, Questioning, Self-Acceptance, Slow Burn, also i don't dig church so most of this is based on Internet Research™, i love how this is an existing tag, not kidding i'm not even catholic to just go to a mass and take notes, pansexual Magnus, yeah with time this might become a disaster (i'm sorry)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-01 11:23:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10920807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apieformydean/pseuds/apieformydean
Summary: ON SUMMER HIATUS ATM PLEASE DON'T HATE ME"He did it because he needed to feel like he had at leastsomethings he got to decide for himself."Alec Lightwood is twenty and a Christian.He's a good boy; he has a year of charity work behind his back, his parents love him and he goes to church once a week.Yes, he snuck out once but it was only because of his adoptive brother, so don't judge him.Also, he obviously isn't interested in that strange guy he met then. Because... well, because he's not gay.Not at all.





	1. Prologue - The stone-cold Christian boy

**Author's Note:**

> hey hi hello this is my first malec fic and i wrote it between two exams ((who needs studying amiright pff)) so please enjoy
> 
> title from the song Sedated by Hozier bc i couldn't think of anything else and i'm trash
> 
> i have keine beta and English is only my 2nd language so all typos and mistakes? yup those are mine

The Pandemonium.

Alec sucked in a sharp breath and took another step towards the entrance of the club. The line was going slow but steady. The thousand-coloured lights and music that made the boy’s bones tremble inside his body were pouring out the door of the club. Now he could smell the smoke of dry-ice, too. _00:16 am_ was rather late - early? - to arrive but the line was snaking away into the night behind Alec nonetheless.

He had been waiting in the line for half an hour already, getting more and more nervous with every passing minute. Izzy said she would be there. She _promised_. Alec tapped his feet absentmindedly on the sidewalk which was slippery from spilled alcohol. His fake ID had better worked, he thought, or he was fucked. Big time.

Just another group of people and he would be inside. He looked the bouncer up and down. Black man of average height, in his thirties, with a stern look on his face and bicep bigger than Alec’s head. The boy wondered what it would take him to become this muscular.

Probably a different body. Not like he was that thin, exactly. He started working out for about six months; every Sunday before church, when Jace usually sneaked in after a night spent at his girlfriend of the time - or wherever, Alec didn’t care -, it was time for him to sneak _out_. He got out through the back door and went for a run in the woods growing directly at the back of their garden.

Yeah, Maryse and Robert Lightwood had a style when it came to buying a house. With its chandeliers, velvet sofas and marble stairs, it was radiating wealth and power. Young Alec, however, hated it. He spent _years_ thinking the house had been possessed somehow by some evil spirit. When he told his mother about this, she slapped him instantly for being imbecile and made him pray ten extra minutes in the evening.

That and countless other things went wrong with the way Maryse had raised her children, in Alec’s opinion. The way she still did - their little brother, Max was only nine. Fortunately Izzy had the common sense to move out when she turned eighteen the year prior, and their adoptive brother, Jace… well, he was nineteen, too, but never faced any serious expectations compared to the ones his elder brother had to bear. He was the golden boy and it wasn't very hard to see why; he was clever and obedient, for what his parents knew.

Alec, with his twenty years was what you would call a _really_ late bloomer; it took him two full decades of existence to realise that his parents might be wrong about raising him the stone-cold Christian boy he tried to believe he really was. Izzy had been teasing him for being mommy’s little boy for years but he always thought about it as the sign of jealousy from her.

However, it took only one comment from Jace to make Alec want to prove himself. So was he doing it for Jace? No way. He did it because he needed to feel like he had at least _some_ things he got to decide for himself.

That’s why he stepped in front of the bouncer of Pandemonium, with his shaking hands clutching his fake ID and holding it out for the guy to see. His heart was beating in his throat. Why did the bloke eye his ID so closely? He couldn't possibly tell it wasn’t real… right?

He was contemplating breaking into a run and never looking back, when the man handed him the card.

“Alright, have fun,” he mumbled and nodded to the door, not even looking at him. He was already dealing with the two piss-drunk kids behind Alec. They were saying something about being on the VIP list but he didn’t pay them much attention. He entered the club.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dunno if i can write more to this?? it was mostly an impulsion so it might take me some time ((and that means a loooooot of time for me)) but please tell me if you liked this at all thaaanks


	2. His first night out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then it all made sense. Did this guy know him? Did he know his parents? Oh, he was screwed. His heart started beating twice as fast, but not only because of the realisation; the guy had this… aura around him. It made it hard for Alec to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *1 hour after posting Chapter 1* so... yeah... this happened

A very sweet and rich smell filled his nostrils, as if warm honey was oozing down his throat. He imagined this place would be reeking of weed but it was almost pleasant. He couldn't see the ceiling of the building; there were countless icicle-like led lights hanging down from there. Those and the stroboscope made the pitch-black leather sofas along the wall glow fiercely. Beautiful - and intimidating - people sat in there, chatting, laughing and making out. Most of them had at least one facial piercing, tattoos all over the visible skin of their body, the other parts covered in latex and leather.

Okay, Alec though, this might not have been the brightest idea ever. Although most of these people seemed too drunk or at least too caught up in their own business to pay the boy any attention, he felt nauseous. The club was full of people and he didn’t dig people in the first place, let alone drunk and younger people than himself. Add the deafening music that was actually rubbish and he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to get out. He spun around to leave, when-

“Oh, fuck!” he exclaimed. On the first step, a guy, seemingly out of nowhere, appeared in front of him. Alec bumped into him and successfully poured the man’s cocktail all over his expensive suit. “I’m so sorry, I couldn’t see you there.”

“No, it’s alright, darling,” he spoke in a calming tone that was somehow audible over the sound of music. He didn’t even pay the soaked suit any attention, and Alec looked at his face just now.

The guy was about four inches shorter than him but his extravagant black quiff with the pink highlights in it made him look taller. He was somewhat older than Alec, which surprised the boy. He didn’t expect anybody to be actually over twenty-one in there. He wore metallic black eyeshadow with glitter around his eyes and he was smiling broadly at Alec. That was one strange reaction, he thought, considering he was almost sure he had _ruined_ that jacket. There was something in his yellow, cat-like eyes, though, as if they could see right through him…

“Why are you staring at me?” Alec heard himself ask.

Then it all made sense. Did this guy know him? Did he know his _parents_ ? Oh, he was screwed. His heart started beating twice as fast, but not only because of the realisation; the guy had this… _aura_ around him. It made it hard for Alec to breathe.

“I can tell it’s not only me who’s staring,” the man noted, shamelessly taking in Alec’s face.

“I have no idea what you-”

“I’m Magnus,” he cut him off, with a mysterious little smile on his lips. “Pleased to meet you,” he crooned and held his hand out for Alec to shake. After a moment of hesitation, the boy accepted it.

“Alec,” he took the man’s hand. It was warm and soft and the boy almost forgot to actually shake it.

“Short for Alexander, I presume,” Magnus tilted his head, as if Alec was something that caused him immense joy to look at. “You don’t come here often, do you?”

Alec was about to say something about being invasive but in that moment, two hands grabbed his hips and he yelled out in surprise.

“Here you are, big bro!” Izzy laughed and hugged him from behind. Alec felt a million times calmer instantly. She was there with him and she knew her way around the place. It was going to be alright.

“Iz, I’ve waited for you like an hour, where have you been?” he asked her with half-hearted annoyance. Izzy leaned her head against Alec’s shoulder as she replied.

“I’ve been a bit… busy with Meliorn,” she giggled. When she looked up and saw her brother rolling his eyes, she hugged him tighter. She must have drank something already, he has seen her slightly tipsy before. “I’m _sooorry_.”

“It’s okay, I-” Alec started but then trailed off, realising Magnus was still there. The man was looking at him, still with that unnerving expression. Alec couldn’t imagine what could be so amusing on his face.

“Oh, hey, Magnus,” Izzy grinned at the man.

“Isabelle, hello there,” Magnus greeted and stepped in, giving her a kiss on the cheek. Alec could smell the spilled alcohol on the man, mixed with some expensive cologne. Magnus must have been extremely rich; he had about eight silver rings on, a silk burgundy shirt underneath his soaked suit jacket and amulet shimmering in his neck what seemed to be actual ruby.

“Sooo…” Izzy sang and her brother knew she was assuming things already. “You guys just met or…?”

“Yes,” Alec replied instantly.

“Sadly, yes,” Magnus’ attention was back on the boy. He was beautiful, Alec gave him that much. But from the way he smiled at Izzy… well, even Alec could tell he was a womaniser. “We were having a chat about Alexander’s clubbing habits, I recon.”

“Oh, he doesn’t have any,” Izzy was a bit too eager to tell him. “It’s his first night out!”

“I see,” slight surprise appeared in Magnus’ eyes but his smile didn’t fade. “I’d be more than happy to give you a tour, if you’d like” he offered with a vague gesture around the club. “Besides, I could use another drink,” he added, looking at his empty cocktail glass with mock sadness.

“Alright, then!” Izzy spoke before Alec had a chance to. “I’ll just go and find Jace, he has someone to introduce, too,” she winked at her brother and was about to leave but Alec turned to her and took her wrist.

“What are you doing?” he asked her as quietly as he could over the sound of the banging music. He could _feel_ Magnus’ eyes on his back.

“Leave you boys to whatever you’ve planned,” she grinned, eyes glowing in the multi-coloured lights illuminating the dance floor. “We’ll bump into each other soon, I promise!”

“No, it’s- we didn’t _plan_ anything!” Alec stuttered. “I don’t even know him.”

“But you certainly would like to,” Izzy had this know-it-all smile on her face and Alec wanted to just leave her to whatever she was thinking but… he couldn’t go anywhere with Magnus. He couldn’t.

“Well, I think this is a solid rejection here,” Magnus stepped to them in that moment.

“I’m sorry but I… I’ll just go with Izzy,” Alec said simply after he realised he didn’t need to explain himself to this guy.

“You know what they say,” Magnus tried to hide his smile behind his pout. “I hate to let you go but I’ll love to watch you leave.”

Alec didn’t know what he meant, but it didn’t matter anyway.

“Come on, Heart Eyes Howell, we need to find Jace,” Izzy took his hand and pulled him into the crowd.

“See you soon, Alexander,” he heard Magnus say before they got too far away from him.

He didn’t meet the man again that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love these dorks way too much i'm sorry


	3. Black and pink quiff and ecru shirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't hate being raised a Catholic. He believed in God. But he could understand Izzy, too; the Sunday masses were almost synonymous with Maryse Lightwood’s The-Perfect-Nuclear-Family act.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updating schedule?? wtf is that ????

The next morning was Sunday but it wasn’t up to debate that Alec would skip his usual run. He woke up with slight nausea and a heavy head.

He’d never drunk alcohol before. Never ever. Luckily, Izzy and Jace were there to guide him; he almost ordered absinthe and from the look on their faces he could tell it was not the wisest idea. Who knows what he would’ve done after it. They suggested him beer, and even though it wasn’t that good, he downed two glasses.

He didn’t regret going out, though.

After he carefully got up and made his way to the bathroom, he examined his reflection in the mirror. The circles under his eyes were not as bad as he thought they would be. His hair was kind of okay, nothing some hair gel couldn’t fix. It was all fine, and he was almost pleased with himself when-

“Oh no,” he whispered, leaning closer. He spotted a purplish reddish hickey, about three inches above his collarbone.

He watched his own pupils dilate in horror.

His parents would _kill_ him. Certainly, one-hundred percent kill him. He was done for, his life would end in-

“Okay, this look on your face,” he heard Jace chuckle behind him. The blond boy was leaning against the doorframe, grinning at his older brother from the mirror. “It’s priceless.”

“Not funny,” Alec tried to concentrate on Jace’s reflection but the hickey just attracted his eyes too much.

“Oh, come on, it _is_ a little bit,” Jace stepped behind him, grin still on his face. He reached up to Alec’s neck but the older boy shooed his hand away. “Hey, let me look at it. Been there, remember?”

It was true. Alec had seen Jace in big scarfs - and once in a turtleneck - in the summer. He always dated the screwed up ones. That was just his type. But not this time, it seemed. They met his new girlfriend - Clary - the night before and she seemed okay. Not that Alec could remember much about her.

“How do I make it disappear?” he grimaced as Jace touched the hickey; not because it hurt him, but it was unpleasant just to think about it.

“I know someone who knows,” Jace mumbled and took another careful look at it, then got his phone out and dialled.

 

“You are _so_ lucky we have the same skin tone. What would you do without me?” Izzy asked as they were sitting on Alec’s bed with a whole bunch of make-up things scattered around them. Izzy had been working on his neck for minutes. With the magic powers she claimed to have, the boy really hoped she could help him.

“I wouldn’t have left the house in the first place.”

“Then you wouldn’t have met Magnus at all,” she chirped, adding some more foundation.

Oh, yes. Magnus. It was the first time that morning he could remember him and Alec almost smiled at the memory… but then he grew suspicious.

“Izzy, it wasn’t- my neck, it wasn’t him, right?” he asked, even though he didn’t know what answer he wanted to get.

“No,” she sounded actually surprised. “It was some junkie girl with a totally dysfunctional gay-dar,” she mumbled as she took another brush from the bedspread. “Magnus... he’ not the type to give hickeys. At least not to just anyone.”

“Am I supposed to feel better now?”

“You know what I mean,” she corrected herself with a smile in her voice. “He was flirting with you so shamelessly, Alec. He looked upset you weren’t interested.”

“He- he did _not_ flirt with me,” Alec stated firmly. He would’ve realised that… right?

“Oh, darling, you’ve so much yet to learn,” Izzy shook her head fondly. “I've got his number by the way, if you need it.”

Before Alec could reassure her, that _no, he absolutely didn’t need it_ , she got up and eyed him for a moment. “Okay, you’re good to go.”

“Sure?”

“Come on, I’ve been doing this for years. Of course I’m sure,” she handed him a pocket mirror. He examined his neck carefully. There were no signs of a hickey at all.

“You’re amazing,” he smiled at her gratefully. “I owe you one.”

“ _De nada_ , but next time, you come to _mine_ , okay?” she started packing up her things. “I really don’t want to meet mother while sneaking out of the house ever again.”

 

St. Michael Catholic Church was a robust, stern building made of fire-red bricks and black tiles on top. Despite its overall eerie atmosphere, Alec liked the way the rose-windows casted rainbows on the richly decorated walls.

He didn't hate being raised a Catholic. He believed in God. But he could understand Izzy, too; the Sunday masses were almost synonymous with Maryse Lightwood’s The-Perfect-Nuclear-Family act. Alec tried his best to keep up with the role he was ought to play in it but it got harder with every mass.

The Lightwood family arrived to the church exactly at 9:53 am as they did every week. Maryse made sure her sons looked just a _tiny_ bit better than the rest of the boys at the mass; it caused her so much joy to look at the other mothers' badly concealed jealousy.

Robert Lightwood just didn't seem to care at all. Alec usually thought of his father as the only truly Catholic person in their family besides himself.

The five of them sat in their usual pews, his mother had her usual polite but empty conversations with some women - Alec never had the motivation to get to know them - and Max needed to be scolded for laughing too loudly with a friend of his about some silly joke again. The mass started at 10:00 am sharp. As per usual.

Alec tried to concentrate, he really did, but his thoughts just couldn't stay in between the four stone-cold walls.

He supposed he would feel _something_ after he disobeyed his parents. Some form of regret or shame. Even though he didn't plan on sneaking out again soon, he didn't regret the night prior. He once caught Jace glancing at him from sitting on Max’s other side during the mass, and they even shared a secret smile. Alec thought they were partners in crime.

It was a nice change after the usual thoughts he had in his head about his adoptive brother.

The priest was saying something about self-denial and how that was the only thing that made humans different from animals. _Tell me about it_ , Alec though but immediately wanted to take it back.

There was nothing wrong with him. He was perfectly okay in his skin; he was about to go to college, his life was going exactly how his- how _he_ planned it to be. A good education, then a good job and he would have a nice, decent life. He had nothing to worry about; they had it all figured out.

Or so he thought.

He suddenly felt someone's gaze on his neck, just where the hickey laid under multiple layers of concealer.

He tried to turn subtly in the stare’s direction, heart suddenly leaping into his throat. From the corner of his eye he could see the black and pink quiff and ecru shirt shining in the dim sunlight.

From a pew across the corridor, Magnus was eyeing him with a lopsided smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this sneaky son of a bitch amiright


	4. St. Stephan’s Seminary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Max,” Alec sighed and put the book aside. “You need to pay attention to these things. Mother and father want you to learn.”
> 
> “It’d be so much better if I could go to your classes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe i'll keep a schedule and upload tuesdays? idk don't quote me on that

Magnus was sitting there, watching him. Alec stared back.

It was one of those weird sights, when two different parts of your life collide and they look just so unrealistic together. As if reality bent around where Magnus was sitting - in _his_ church - to create the dream-like image of the man.

What was he even doing there? How did he get there? Alec didn’t see him enter and nobody even paid him any attention, which just made the situation even weirder.

He only realised he needed to stand up when Max tug at his shirtsleeve. Alec almost dropped his Bible. He quickly stood up, but also noticed that Magnus was already standing, as if nothing had happened.

“ _We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth of all that is seen and unseen._ ”

Alec closed his eyes and murmured with the rest of the family. He needed to shut the man out. He couldn’t think about him, not his smile and not the strange feeling it caused in his stomach.

He was doing so good, he thought he had this, but then Magnus turned up… he should have stayed what he was in the first place. The stunning, flirty man he met in a club. Nothing more.

Alec really didn’t need anyone to make his life complicated.

“ _Amen_.”

They sat back down and Alec glanced at Magnus from the corner of his eye once again. The man didn’t pay him any attention, or so it seemed. Alec saw he didn’t have a Bible or a missal with him; he just sat there and listened to the mass. Without the yellow contact and glitter around his eyes, the boy noticed. Still, he didn’t exactly look like he belonged there - not with the ordinary, boring people of the church.

It wasn’t until Magnus suddenly smiled widely that Alec knew he had been staring for minutes. Magnus didn’t turn to him, but he didn’t _have_ to. The boy knew exactly well that that smile was meant for him and it made his heart flutter in his chest.

At the end of the mass, Alec was the first one to leave the church. He got in the car and didn’t talk to anybody until they got home.

 

After a long and quite silent dinner, he was laying on his bed. He had a book in his hands but he couldn’t have explained what it was about. He had some more interesting things on his mind. And the music coming from Jace’s room was way too loud to let him read.

He could have drained them out. The only problem was that he didn’t listen to music.

Besides, the music was still better than to listen to whatever was going on in there. Their parents had some kind of emergency case in the school they were directing and left, so his brother obviously saw the chance to take his girlfriend home.

“Alec?” Max’s voice came from the door. Alec sat up. He didn’t even know his little brother didn’t leave with his parents. He just hoped Jace at least locked his door.

“Yeah, come in.”

Max opened the door widely and galloped to the bed. He threw himself down on his back and spread his arms wide. He was humming ‘The wise man built his house’. Alec knew what all this mean. His little brother was thinking deeply about something. He pretended he didn’t notice, though.

“Why’s the music so loud?” Max asked some moments later, staring at the ceiling.

“Jace is probably a bit deaf and can’t hear it otherwise,” Alec deadpanned.

“Is it because mom and dad aren’t home?”

Alec didn’t answer that. Max usually knew way more than his parents gave him credit for. Or anybody, for that matter.

“How was Sunday school?” he asked instead, pretending to read the book. Max stayed at the church another hour after the mass for Father Adriell’s Bible class. Alec liked the man; he spent the last year with community service, mostly at the church and the presbytery.

“It was good.”

“What was it about?”

“I dunno,” Max replied, not moving at all.

“Max,” Alec sighed and put the book aside. “You need to pay attention to these things. Mother and father want you to learn.”

“It’d be so much better if I could go to _your_ classes.”

“What do you mean?” the older brother frowned. Sure, he helped out with some classes the year prior but he never actually gave any on his own.

“After you become a priest, I’ll go to your classes and pay attention for real,” Max promised with a grin. “It’ll be so much fun!”

“I- I won’t become a priest,” Alec shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“C’mon, mom and dad told me you gonna go to college to become one!” Max sat up, eyeing Alec weirdly.

The boy felt something in his stomach drop.

He was expecting the letters from the colleges he’d applied to for some time now, but there was no seminary among them. His mother told him that she would take care of things and it wasn’t suspicious to Alec. Not even with the fact that his parents weren’t really fond of the colleges he chose. He wanted to study international relations and become a diplomat. He loved to travel and he had a great sense of justice. It seemed the perfect option.

“No, you- you must’ve misheard something,” Alec muttered, mouth running dry.

“They sent this letter to the school the other day,” Max straightened himself, as if it offended him that his brother didn’t believe him. “I’m not dumb and I know I’m right!”

“I never said you were dumb,” Alec mumbled and put his hand on Max’s small shoulder but he didn’t really see the little boy.

His parents couldn’t… they _wouldn’t_ change his applications… would they?

 

If Maryse Lightwood could do something very well, it was cooking. The family was sitting over dinner at the huge mahogany table with twelve chairs, but the enticing caprese chicken lost all its appeal for Alec.

“Yes, it was fine, I think I’ll have about 90%,” Jace smiled at Robert. His older brother scoffed. Jace was lucky he had good logic, otherwise, with his amount of studying, he would have failed the maths exam for sure.

“I’m so happy you take this seriously, Jace,” Maryse nodded as she drank some water. “Your future is the most important thing, never forget that.”

Alec gripped his fork and knife tighter but didn’t say a thing.

“Son, you haven’t touched your food yet,” his father observed, shoving a forkful of his own in his mouth. “Are you alright, Alec?”

“No, he’s not,” Max chimed in, not looking up from his plate. Alec really didn’t want to do this, not while they were eating, and certainly not this soon. He didn’t have a choice, though.

“What’s wrong then?” Maryse asked but she didn’t make eye-contact with her son either. Jace, however, glanced at him with a sudden tension in his shoulders. He always knew when something was off with Alec.

“I was thinking…” he started quietly, despite his silent anger inside. “What’s up with the college applications? You haven’t told me anything about them in weeks.”

“It isn’t important,” his mother replied instantly. Alec hated that voice; she sounded like he was another dumb kid in her school. “It will only be that before the semester starts. And that is exactly three months from now.”

“But I’m sure they must have the results by now,” Alec insisted, and Maryse finally looked up at him.

“I told you I’ll inform you, didn’t I?” she asked coolly.

“‘Inform’?” Alec frowned. “That sounds like I’m some kind of stranger, don’t you think?”

“Alec,” his father warned, but there was no going back.

“When did you want to _inform_ me about St. Stephan’s Seminary?”

Silence filled the dining room. Everybody froze for a moment, even Max felt the weight of this sentence. Maryse stared at her son in awe. Nobody said a thing until Robert put his cutlery down and stood up.

“Jace, Max,” he spoke. “Go up to your rooms.”

The boys, surprisingly, obeyed at instant, and with their father following them, it was soon only Alec and his mother left in the dining room.

“How do you know about it?”

“I was sent an email,” Alec looked down. Even though he knew he was right, he couldn't look at his mother in the eye.

“Anyway,” Maryse stood up and straightened herself. “What’s done is done. The seminary has accepted your application and-"

“But I didn't even _apply_ to that!” Alec’s voice was more desperate than he wanted it to sound.

“You didn't have to,” she looked down at him. “Father Adriell and I wrote your letters of recommendation and the school was delighted to receive them.”

“I can't believe it,” Alec stood up, too, anger now obvious on his features. “You want me to throw away everything and become a priest?! And I have to find it out from Max because my parents don't even make the effort to tell me themselves?!”

“What _everything_ are you talking about, boy?” Maryse asked in a quiet but stern voice and Alec was taken aback. “You are twenty years old and you have nothing. When I was your age, I was engaged to your father. He was already studying at university, I was going to college; we had a perspective of our future.”

“I- I have a perspective!” he retorted but it came out as a whine. “I’ll- I will-”

“Become a diplomat?” his mother prompted, voice dripping with venom. “What a ridiculous thought! You would never succeed. You need to follow our God, Alexander. He has a path for you, as the family’s firstborn son. The Father agreed with me on this. This is no longer your choice to make.”

“Do you even hear yourself, mother?” Alec gaped. “Since when do you use church against your own-”

“I will not start a fight over this,” Maryse emphasised every word. She was about to lose her patience, her pitch black irises were sparkling with heat. “And I suggest you come to terms with it, sooner rather than later.”

“Okay,” Alec nodded, lump in his throat threatening to choke him. He turned his back on his mother and stormed up to his room. He grabbed the first backpack he could find and threw some clothes in it from the wardrobe, along with his toothbrush from the bathroom. He pocketed his phone and wallet and went back downstairs.

Maryse was nowhere to be seen. Even better, Alec thought as he put his shoes on and opened the door. She couldn’t have stopped him anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i mean the you're-20-and-have-no-perspective is soooooo totttttally not something i was told about 354342 times ahaHAHAHA nope not at all


	5. I don't date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No,” Izzy cut him off with a stern look. “I won't let you do this, okay? We’ll figure it, just stop panicking-" she trailed off and narrowed her eyes at him. A smile slowly spread across her face, and Alec knew what was coming.
> 
> “Please don't tell me you have an idea,” he groaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i managed to upload this when i promised i would whaaaa)
> 
> okay so i think i've successfully outlined the fic  
> it will be fucking l o n g and possibly heart-breaking (who am i kidding, it will freaking break you all and me too)  
> but i plan on a happy ending  
> (hope it won't change tho)  
> please enjoy!

When Alec woke up, he couldn’t identify the room around him. The walls were decorated with huge paintings of nature, and potted plants, seemingly randomly, were resting on different surfaces of room. Everything had this calming feeling to it, and combined with the smell of different flowers, it made Alec forget for a moment about the day prior.

He has never been to Izzy’s flat before. He was even surprised he got there on the first try. When his sister opened the door, she was mortified. Alec must have looked awful. Izzy, however, let him in and promised not to ask anything until the morning.

Alec got up and walked out to the kitchen. The smell of cooking food hit him and he realised he hadn’t eaten anything for almost a day.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Izzy smiled at him from the stove. She was wearing Meliorn’s shirt and stirring something in a pan that looked like eggs.

“Uh, hey,” Alec scratched his neck as he sat down to the table.

“Fancy some tofu scramble?” she asked as she placed the food on a plate.

“Tofu?” he frowned. “Oh, yes, you’re vegan, right?”

“Yeah,” she put the plate in front of him. “For almost a year now.”

Izzy fetched herself some tofu, too, and they ate. It wasn’t even that bad, he thought, considering that she made it herself.

“So, Meliorn is at work I guess,” Alec tried. He wasn't a big fan of the fact that Izzy moved in with the guy but he accepted it, more or less.

“Yeah, he has a gardening job at that new hotel,” Izzy explained. “And I have a day off.”

“Okay,” he muttered.

Izzy tossed some of her food around on her plate before she talked really quietly.

“What did she do to you?”

“Who said anything about her?” Alec asked and only looked up when he didn’t get an answer. Izzy was eyeing him with an expression that said ‘stop shitting me’. “Okay, yeah, it was her.”

“I’m listening,” she nodded, watching her brother patiently. Alec sighed.

“She’s sending me off to become a priest.”

“Wha- what the hell?!” she exclaimed, eyes growing huge.

“Izzy, please,” Alec winced.

“Sorry, but… fuck, that’s- that’s cruel,” she shook her head with a horrified expression. “Even for her.”

“Hey, I’m sure she just wants the best for me with-”

“Alec, c’mon!” she put up a hand to silence him. “She wants to sentence you to lifelong loneliness and you’re still protecting her?”

Alec didn't have an answer for that. He really wanted to believe his mother wasn't just being selfish, he actually felt tremendous guilt for running away from home… but Izzy’s words sounded very reasonable.

“It doesn't change the fact that she’s sent the application,” he sighed. “They expect me next semester... I hate to say it but I guess I’ll have to-”

“No,” Izzy cut him off with a stern look. “I won't let you do this, okay? We’ll figure it, just stop panicking-" she trailed off and narrowed her eyes at him. A smile slowly spread across her face, and Alec knew what was coming.

“Please don't tell me you have an idea,” he groaned.

“You, big bro, have just read my mind,” she grinned at him.

 

He wished he could say no to her.

The phone’s screen stuck to his skin and Alec felt his heart rate rise with every passing second.

He was only doing it for the scandal, he reassured himself. There was nothing more to it. Izzy was right; if he wanted to get away from the priest school, he needed a bad reputation.

At least he could convince her to leave him alone while he dialled.

He picked it up on the fourth ring.

“Hello?” the melodic voice on the other end of the line spoke.

“H-hey, am I talking to, uh, Magnus?” he asked and Izzy’s words popped into his mind.  _ Be seductive but not cheap. He loves a challenge. _

Very seductive, he mentally tapped himself on the back.

“Yes, and you are?” the man asked, smile obvious in his voice.

“Alec,” his heart pounded like crazy. What has gotten into him? “We- we met the other day. At Pandemonium,”  _ and at the church _ , he added only mentally because he still wasn't sure whether he only imagined it or not.

“Oh, Alexander!” Magnus didn't sound surprised at all. As if Alec had every right to know his number. “How are you doing, pretty boy?”

“I’m fine, all good, yeah,” he rambled, free hand playing with his hair nervously. The term ‘pretty boy’ usually pissed him off but he found it okay this time. He still didn't even know how to ask, though. “Look, I was wondering… I mean, you probably don't even- okay, so- shit, I am an idiot for actually-”

“Hey, slow down, champ,” Magnus chuckled and it shut Alec up in a moment. He felt quite warm in the pit of his stomach but he didn’t want to think about that. “Let me do it, okay? Let’s see. A drink would be lovely, probably this weekend?”

“I- uh, yeah. Sure,” Alec didn't quite get what just happened but he felt like he won.

“I’ll text you later, if that sounds alright,” Magnus sang out.

“Yes, do that,” the boy replied and he heard Magnus chuckle again.

“See you soon, Alexander,” he said, and Alec decided he would allow him to call him that.

“Bye.”

 

Despite it being a Monday night, Izzy, of course, knew a place.

The orange walls of the hookah bar were lined with traditional couches, almost all of them occupied by small groups of friends. Some were sitting on the floor around their tables on pretty, embroidered cushions. The air of the dim bar was clear, to Alec’s surprise. The soothing, jazzy music made him quite sleepy.

“So you’re coming home tomorrow, right?” Jace tried to make him speak. It wasn’t like he didn’t know the whole thing from Izzy already. Alec was sure he was surrounded by traitors.

“Yeah. I could today but I don’t need mother to find out I can sneak in without her noticing,” Alec shrugged.

“I told her you slept at Izzy’s so she didn’t need to call the police,” Jace spoke in a neutral voice because they knew perfectly well that she was capable of such things.

“Must be awful,” Clary shook her head, red locks bobbing around her head. She was probably about seventeen but Alec didn’t care enough to find out. She had Jace’s arm around her waist and a good amount of blueberry tobacco in her system. Alec actively had to stop himself from cringing at her. Not that he was jealous or anything. “Having such strict parents, I mean. I can’t even imagine.”

“Yeah, well, some of us are just not fortunate,” Izzy sighed, taking the tip of the hookah in her mouth. She was snuggled up to Meliorn who actually knew the owner of the place - what a surprise - and got them some discount.

“Okay, can we talk about something else?” Alec asked with a grimace. It didn’t matter the situation, he couldn’t stand when someone talked crap about his parents.

“Like what, how you asked Magnus out on a date?” Izzy grinned at him before blowing the vapour in his face.

Alec, in that moment, wanted the ground to open and simply swallow him.

“Magnus Bane?” Meliorn spoke lazily and frowned at him. It was a small miracle the guy still had working brain cells with the amount of tobacco gone from the hookah.

“No- it’s not like that-” Alec’s heart started to pound in his throat, as if he was being chased.

“You asked him out?” Jace grinned widely at his brother.

“It’s not a date, I just- it was  _ he _ who asked,” Alec explained defensively, and at the memory his stomach felt funny.

“What?” Izzy asked, eyes glowing with excitement. “You haven’t told me that!”

“I was rambling and he offered it himself,” Alec was almost shouting. He didn’t know what they implied. “It’s not a- a date, we’re having a drink this weekend because I need to be seen with bad company, and that’s it.”

“Oh, it’s  _ so  _ a date,” Clary beamed at him.

“I  _ don’t  _ date, okay?” he insisted, sudden anger accompanying the racing heart. “Especially not boys! I’m not- not queer, for  _ fuck’s _ sake!”

“Hey,” Jace put his beer down and placed his hand on Alec’s arm quickly. Alec realised he might have been a bit too loud. Some kids from the neighbouring table gave him a few strange glances. “It’s okay, Alec, chill out,” the blond spoke in a soothing voice, and Alec hated the fact that he really liked his voice. “We’re here for you, alright?”

“Yeah, we have your back, big bro,” Izzy smiled at him comfortingly. However, he felt everything but comfortable. And first of all, he hated that Meliorn and Clary were there, too, eyeing him and most certainly thinking he was an idiot. “Also,” Izzy went on. “Knowing Magnus,  _ he _ definitely thinks it’s a date.”

“What?” Alec blinked at her.

“I agree, he sure does,” Jace nodded, still trying to cover up his smile.

“Awesome,” Alec grunted, running a hand through his hair.

He needed to fix this, as soon as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so idk when i'll have time to upload (and first write oops) the next chapter but i'll try my best pls bear w me <3


	6. Completely and utterly wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he rounded the bed, however, he accidentally kicked something over and it hit the floor, clattering. He was quick to pick it up. It didn't wake Max, thank God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i never thought i'll finish this one today (have been working on it more than a week now) but here it is!! enjoy!

_What’s your favorite color again?_

**I don't know… cobalt, maybe?**

_Hmm, interesting._

Magnus was bombarding him with random texts like this all day. And even though Alec knew he shouldn't have, he texted back as he drove.

Maryse didn't mention their argument at all when she called him at about half past one on Tuesday. As if it never happened. He knew she would get back to it later, though. She called him because he needed to pick Max up from school. He had some pain in his arms and legs again; it had happened before. He was way too thin for his age, and with the beginning of the sudden growth of his body, it was only natural.

Alec was waiting in front of the director’s office in St. Mark’s Catholic Elementary and Middle School for Boys. The hallway of the school was empty and sterile, white walls shining in the sunshine that poured in through the ceiling-high windows.

He remembered how his school life was. He was your typical eminent student; the favourite of the teachers and the most loathed among the other kids. Despite it being a Catholic school, he was mocked for praying before he ate his lunch and for being a weirdo who didn’t swear at all. It never happened when the teachers were around, but in the locker room and the bathroom. He didn’t say anything about it to his mother; she would’ve found out what a pathetic boy he was. Besides, from 5th grade, when his parents adopted Jace, nobody picked a fight with the two of them. Unless it was behind their backs.

He was just happy Max didn’t have these kind of problems.

The massive red pine door of the office opened, and his mother walked out. She wore her turquoise dress suit and her dark hair in a tight ponytail on her neck, as stern as ever.

“Mother,” Alec stood up at instant, not looking at her in the eye. Her figure brought back the fight in Alec’s mind but no matter what, he needed to stay calm and polite.

“Hello, son,” she greeted, just as emotionless. She stepped aside to reveal Max standing in the office, behind her. He was smiling at Alec as soon as he saw him, despite his obvious pain and tiredness.

“Hey, kiddo,” a smile tugged at the corner of Alec’s mouth as well. He stepped to the boy and took him in his arms. Damn, he _was_ very tired. He laid his head on his brother’s shoulder with a sigh. He must have stayed up late, reading or something. Happened before.

“Take him home and cook something for dinner,” his mother commanded. “I expect you to stay with him and not leave irresponsibly,” her eyes stared at Alec’s very soul as she spoke. A metallic taste filled his mouth but he bit down on his tongue.

“I won’t leave him,” he managed to mumble through his teeth.

It clearly hadn't crossed her mind that the situation _might_ have been her fault. Not in the slightest. Alec felt sick; he knew he would eventually have to apologise, because that's just how things went with the Lightwoods. It didn't make it easier to say sorry for something that wasn't his fault, though.

 

Alec wasn't much of a cook. Usually, he let Max help him because the boy was too curious about everything, including cooking. He was enthusiastic and helpful, and loved to taste everything as they went. Alec was fine with just takeaway, to be honest.

Now, his little brother was resting in his room. As soon as they got home, he went straight upstairs and he was probably asleep. Alec, in the meantime, was stirring the macaroni and cheese to the sound of some overplayed song on the radio. It was about the singer pining after a beautiful chocolate-eyed girl, who was, apparently, way out of his league.

Alec never had anybody. It never bothered him, honestly. He was raised to choose responsibly; he knew he only had one chance to find the perfect girl, then he needed to marry her. They would have children eventually who would attend to his parents’ school, probably. The weight of it all resulted in Alec wanting to avoid marriage as long as possible. Preferably for ever.

Which is why becoming a priest would have been ideal for him, one might think. However… he was perfectly aware that that life came with responsibilities and required a certain way of thinking. And he lacked both. He respected those who would do it for their whole lives, mostly because he knew he couldn't.

With a plate of macaroni and cheese, he made his way upstairs. He heard some indistinct noises, coming from Jace’s room. He frowned. His brother was supposed to be in school. He walked up to the door and quietly pushed it open. It wasn't Jace.

Max was lying on the bed, some cartoon on the tv making silly, quiet noises. The little boy was sleeping, face relaxed, for the first time that day.

Alec silently put the plate down on the bedside table and turned tv off. He sat down at Max’s feet. He was awfully pale. Alec hadn't seen him this exhausted since New Year's Eve when he insisted he could stay awake for 48 hours straight. This time, however, Alec had no idea what caused it. He reached up and carefully pulled Max’s hair out if his eyes.

Alec frowned. The boy's forehead was surprisingly hot. Maybe he needed something stronger than pasta. Alec let him sleep for the time being, though; he obviously needed it.

He stood up to leave and fetch himself some food, too - with Izzy’s vegan food he wasn't exactly _full_. As he rounded the bed, however, he accidentally kicked something over and it hit the floor, clattering. He was quick to pick it up. It didn't wake Max, thank God.

It was an empty wine bottle.

Interesting. Alec knew Jace drank alcohol fairly often, but not at home. Never at home. Drinking was a taboo in their family and Alec suddenly felt irritated.

Stupid Jace. What if his father found the bottle? Or, what's worse, his _mother_ ? Jace was usually pretty careful when it came to not getting in trouble for his hobbies. So why leave a bottle next to his bed? Maybe it was Clary’s fault. To be honest, Alec _wanted_ it to be the Clary’s fault. He didn't like her at all, and if she was getting his brother in trouble...

Except that the girl hadn't visited since Sunday.

Was Jace… was he drinking _alone_?

Alec took the bottle. He made his way back downstairs and out of the house, to the front porch. He threw it in the trash, half-seriously hoping that this way he could just forget about it.

He couldn't.

 

“Son?”

It was Wednesday, 10:34 pm. Alec was sitting on his windowsill, not particularly thinking about anything. He was watching the stars and just enjoying the way the cool breeze caressed his skin.

“Come in.”

His father opened the door just a bit, peered in, then entered. He closed it behind him immediately, as if there was the risk of somebody following him in there.

“You’re awake,” he observed, standing awkwardly at the foot of the bed.

“Yeah. I’ve been thinking,” Alec replied. He had so many things he didn’t want to think about that his brain wouldn't let him sleep. His father huffed, not knowing how to reply. He stared at his feet, clearly trying to phrase what he wanted to say. “Do you need me for something?” Alec asked patiently.

“I- uh, no,” Robert flinched at the sentence. “I wanted to talk to you about… you know.”

“The seminary,” Alec prompted. He figured. The way his mother was looking at him the day prior, he knew he wasn’t forgiven. At least he got her to give Max some medicine. Those were the only words exchanged between them.

“Alec, you need to know, we mean the best for you,” his father said, very articulately, as if Alec was a child.

“Going behind my back about _my_ future,” he spoke, and his irony wasn’t lost on Robert. “Sounds like ‘the best for me’.”

“She- we thought it was what you wanted,” he replied. “It’s what God planned for you, after all,” he added cryptically.

“What do you mean?” Alec asked, eyeing him. He knew something.

“I’m just saying,” he put up his hands in defence, “that you clearly have no intention of marrying. It is only logical to-”

“I never said anything about not marrying,” Alec stared at him. He was very, very careful about that.

“You didn’t need to,” Robert gave him a sad little smile. Alec looked at him in the eyes.

_He knows._

No, this was _not_ happening.

Alec’s eyes grew wide and his heart rate doubled in a second. He turned away immediately. Out to the stars, because he couldn’t lie to his father, not to his eyes.

“I have no idea what-”

“A parent just _knows_ , Alec, okay?” he spoke a bit louder now. He wasn’t threatening, he just wanted to get his point across. “Look, there’s nothing wrong with being- with _you_ , it’s who you are, but you need-”

“I don’t _need_ anything,” Alec cut him off, manners gone out the window. He was staring at his father, not even trying to hide his anger anymore. “Do you and mother seriously think I’m-”

“She doesn't know,” he admitted quietly. “And she won't know it from me, I promise.”

Alec crossed his arms on his chest and turned away. His lungs were hurting from the inside, stomach the size of a matchbox. How could he trust his father with this? _Even if he’s completely and utterly_ wrong _._

“I’ll go and see if Max is doing alright,” Robert said and it sounded like a final decision. He waited for a reply, but it never came. Alec heard him open the door. He stopped and sighed. “God gave you a way, son. Think about it.”

Without another word, he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit's about to get serious
> 
> you can guess who will have it the worst (i won't spoil anything, i promise, i'm just curious)
> 
> also, i have done an actual outlining for this thingy, which is something i've never done before and i feel ridiculously proud and grown-up now that i did!!! yay for me! also the tags are almost complete now i think???


	7. I have all the time in the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He could also see the cobalt glitter on his cheekbones with matching highlight in his hair, his very expensive-looking leather jacket and that playful shine in his eyeliner-rimmed chocolate eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (wednesday, 0:07 am)  
> shit i almost made it on time
> 
> whatever i just hope you like this one too xoxo

When his phone rang in the morning on Thursday, Alec and Max were sitting at the dining table, solving some maths problems.

Max was getting better. Well, not much, but when Alec asked he said he felt okay. His temperature was back to normal, at least. His mother, however, wanted him to do the schoolwork and homework he was behind with.

Alec was explaining some equations to him when his phone went off.

For a brief moment he was afraid it was Magnus. He still didn’t get himself to talk about the… the date. How it wasn't really that. He didn't date, he  _ couldn’t _ … And even if they agreed it wasn't that, he didn't find meeting him a good idea anymore. Not with the things his father thought about him.

Then he took a look at the screen. He sighed and picked it up as he walked into the kitchen to talk.

“Hey, Iz.”

“ _ Hiiiii _ ,” she sang. “What’s up, bro?”

“I’m fine,” Alec shrugged. Okay, considering the way his heart raced just a moment ago, he wasn't really fine. “You?”

“I just-” she chuckled, “wanted to ask if- if Maxie was okay.”

Alec frowned. Something was off with her.

“Yeah,” he replied carefully. “He doesn't have fever anymore. Do you want to talk to him?”

“Nah, it’s okay, I…” she trailed off. Alec was about to ask what was the matter when she spoke again. “And Magnus? Haven't heard of him for ages.”

“He hasn't texted today yet,” Alec answered and he tried to sound neutral. Who knew what assumptions Izzy would jump into from the way he said that. Somehow, however, he felt like she had other problems at the moment. “Izzy, are you alright?”

“ _ Yes _ , why’re you asking?” she asked back and chuckled nervously. Alec’s eyes grew wide.

“Where are you, Izzy?” he whispered. “Is- is Meliorn with you? Did he do something-”

“No, Alec, I’m home, I’m  _ fine _ ,” she reassured him, jumpiness still obvious in her voice. “Gosh, why do you always think that when I’m nervous it’s him?”

“So you  _ are _ nervous,” Alec noted. “And usually, Izzy, it’s him,” he waited for an answer but it didn't come. “He’s not there, is he?”

“Nope,” she huffed. “He’s working. Like, all the time.”

“But that’s a good thing, right?” he frowned. “I mean, you needed weeks to convince him to get a job, because painting wasn't paying.”

“But he’s never home, Alec,” she muttered. “I called because I needed to talk to somebody... The flat is so quiet and I- I barely see him and the worst of all…”

“What’s that?” the boy asked. He never liked the guy but as long as he was the best for his sister, he didn’t complain. He didn't seem to be the best anymore.

“I found a small hickey on his neck last night,” she spoke, voice really low now. As if she couldn’t believe she said those things out loud. “And it wasn't from me.”

“Do you think he…?” Alec’s jaw dropped.

“I dunno,” Izzy sighed heavily. Alec didn't have words to comfort her.

How could he? He couldn’t even stir his non-existent love life.

 

In the late afternoon, Max was back in his bed, his brother sitting beside him. He was reading some fairytale to Alec because he needed to practice reading out loud. Even though his big brother wanted to, he couldn’t really pay attention to it. He seemed to constantly have too much on his mind these days.

“Alec? Are you even listening to the story?” Max demanded suddenly, his small eyes shining with the illness.

“Yeah, I am,” Alec nodded, smiling at him. He took a look at the page. “It’s about the clever girl. The king told her she should come but not, she should greet him but not and she should bring a present but not.”

“Cheater!” Max pointed at him with a grin, pulling the book close to his chest. “I didn’t even read that part yet!”

“Okay, you caught me,” Alec chuckled. It amazed him how his little brother could brighten his mood even when  _ he _ was the ill one.

Max started to laugh but then it turned into coughs. He sat up abruptly, little body shaking with every cough. Alec tapped his back lightly but his eyebrows knit.

Max wasn’t coughing before, not this violently. It could be some kind of infection; it was late but he needed to see the doctor the next day.

“I’ll get you a glass of water, okay?” he asked when the coughing fit was over. Max nodded, one arm wrapped around his chest, the other clutching his throat. Alec stood up and made his way to the bathroom. He filled a glass with tap water and was on his way back, when he saw Jace walking up the stairs.

“Dude,” the blond greeted cheerfully. “I was looking for you.”

“Really? Why?” Alec asked suspiciously. The wine bottle popped into his mind and he hoped Jace wouldn’t bring it up. He wasn’t in the mood to lecture him.

“I need a ride to Queens,” he replied. His eyes flicked down at the glass, then back at Alec’s face. “How’s Max?”

“I don't know why you all ask me,” Alec huffed. It wasn’t Jace’s fault but he needed to get his frustration out on somebody. “You could just go in and ask him yourself.”

“Woah, okay, Grinch,” the blond put up a hand. He looked at Alec in a strange way and the older boy didn’t want to think about it. “Still, I’ll need you to drive me.”

“No,” Alec answered shortly and wanted to walk past his brother. Jace stepped in front of him again.

“Pretty  _ please _ ,” Jace batted his eyelashes in a way he knew would get to Alec. “We meet up at McDonald’s. I’ll buy you nuggets. I know how much you love those.”

The brunet rolled his eyes, in spite of the rumbling of his stomach at the promise of food.

“I can’t, I need to stay with Max. He won't want me to leave,” Alec shook his head but his excuse sounded weak even to himself.

“Are you sure?” Jace smirked and snatched the glass of water from his brother’ hand. He turned around and entered Max’s room. Alec groaned and followed.

“Jace!” Max’s face lit up when he saw the blond. He was still holding an arm around his chest.

“Hi buddy,” Jace sat down at the foot of the bed, smiling brightly at the little boy. “Here,” he handed the glass over. Max drank with small gulps and Jace caressed his hair affectionately. He was just as much of a brother to the little boy as Alec was and the brunet thought about how similar they were. Not on the outside but in their personalities. Jace was just a little older than Max when he and Alec first met.

“Thanks,” Maxie handed the glass back. “We’re reading a story. You wanna hear it?”

“Yeah, sure,” Jace nodded. “But after that, I need Alec to come with me,” he added, voice soft.

“Where’re you going?” Max asked with confusion, taking a glance at Alec, then back at Jace.

“Don’t worry, he’ll be back soon,” Jace smiled reassuringly. “But I wanted to ask you if it was okay.”

“If Alec goes, then mom can come and read with me, yeah?” he asked, suddenly hopeful. Jace laughed out loud.

“See? He doesn’t even need you,” the blond joked, looking back at his older brother. Alec thought the question was rather sad; their mother never helped Max with his reading. She usually had neither the time nor the energy.

“Can she come, Alec?” Max asked, eyes shining brightly. It broke his eldest brother’s heart.

“I’ll ask her to come upstairs,” Alec promised.

 

He didn’t expect the bunch of kids waiting for them at McDonald’s.

“Jace, over here!” a guy waved at them with enthusiasm. The place was full but they could spot him easily with his glasses and dark hair. Jace pulled a face and waved back as they headed over to them.

“Who’s he?”

“Clary’s best friend.”

“Oh,” Alec grinned and nudged his shoulder. “Jealous a bit?”

“Not at all,” came the harsh reply.

“Hey guys,” Clary greeted them with a big smile. Jace gave her a quick kiss and sat next to her. “This is Maia and Raphael,” she pointed at the two on the other side of the table, the girl with the amazing hair and beautiful smile and, the pale, stoic-looking guy.

“Hey!”

“ _ Hola _ .”

“And you know Simon.”

“Yeah, I do,” Jace nodded, not looking up at the boy. Simon looked somewhat hurt at that but got over it quickly. He took a bite of his cheeseburger instead.

“So, Alec, you coming with us?” Clary asked and Alec had this feeling again that he felt about her all the time. As if she was being overly friendly and kind to get on his good side.

“Nah, he- he can’t,” Jace was quick to speak for him, looking at Clary, then at Alec and back. He seemed strangely on edge. “He needs to get home to-”

“Actually, you offered me free nuggets for the ride, so…” Alec smirked and took a seat across from the other guy. Raphael, he reminded himself. Jace groaned and stood up to order.

“You don't look like much of a party animal to me,” Maia noted in the meantime, eyeing Alec. She must have been about nineteen, clearly a people person.

“I don't drink, if that’s what you mean,” Alec replied dryly. He saw Raphael watching him from across the table. He looked strangely familiar to him.

“Cool!” Simon chimed in. He was just like Clary, with his too bright smile and loud voice. “We could use another designated driver. Raph always complains we’re a handful when drunk,” he spoke, nudging the boy’s cheek with his nose briefly, voice full of affection. Raphael’s tough-guy-look seemed to break for a moment when he let a half-smile play on his lips.

“You really are,” he replied. Then he turned back to Alec and his expression was cold again. “Haven't we met before, though?”

“Yeah, I think we have,” Alec nodded. That small smile gave it away. “Four or five years ago, in Camp Holy Spirit?”

“You were camp counselor as well,” Raphael added. “I remember now.”

“Wow, you guys did that?” Clary tried to get into the conversation but Alec ignored her on purpose.

“That was a long time ago,” he noted. He remembered Raphael as a talkative kid. (Alec needed to stop calling him a  _ kid _ in his head, though, they were of the same age.) He used to be so full of life and his aura was as bright as Max’s. Alec couldn't imagine what happened to him.

“Okay,” Jace spoke behind him, cornering the table. “Here are your nuggets. Happy now?” he asked and placed the tray down in front of him.

“Very,” Alec grimaced. There were another box and a cup of coke, too. “Oh, you shouldn't have.”

“Oh, I haven’t,” Jace scoffed with mock annoyance. “Those are for Izzy.”

“What, she’s coming, too?” Alec frowned. She didn’t sound like she wanted to party that morning.

“Yeah, actually, she asked if we wanted to come,” Maia replied. Alec didn’t get the chance to say anything because in that moment, Izzy walked in. And she wasn’t alone.

“Izzy!” Jace greeted their sister with a small wave.

“Hi everyone,” Izzy grinned at them as they walked to the table. She was a bit tipsy already, Alec could tell, as she hugged Clary. “You’re all so beautiful, oh my god!”

Izzy looked fine. As if the conversation of the morning didn’t even happen. Alec would’ve thought he only dreamt it if he hadn’t seen the trace of dark circles around her prettily painted eyes.

She wasn't his greatest concern, though.

“Magnus,” Alec stood up and greeted him with a smile. He hoped the sudden change in his heart rate wasn't visible on his face.

“Hello, Alexander,” the man beamed at him brightly. He was wearing lip gloss. Not that it was the only thing Alec realised for the first three seconds. He could also see the cobalt glitter on his cheekbones with matching highlight in his hair, his very expensive-looking leather jacket and that playful shine in his eyeliner-rimmed chocolate eyes. His stomach did a flip. “Long time no see.”

“Yeah,” Alec felt his lips curving into a small smile. He missed him.

“Hey, Magnus!” Simon greeted from behind Alec. The boy jumped; he didn’t expect anybody to talk to the man but him.

“Simon, hi,” Magnus nodded at the others, too, and Alec felt like an idiot.

They knew him. Of course. Most probably more than he did. Magnus  _ obviously _ didn’t come here to see him. And anyway, if he did, why would that matter? It shouldn't have mattered.

When everybody was concentrating on Izzy and her new necklace again, Magnus turned back to Alec.

“I can’t wait for the weekend,” the man spoke in a sweet voice, as if they had some kind of secret together. Alec really didn’t want to think about it that way. It made him feel guilty.

And it took Magnus only a moment to realise that. With a concerned look on his face, the man asked, “What’s the matter, pretty boy?”

“Nothing,” Alec shook his head promptly, trying to smile again. He only managed a nervous half-smile.

“Alexander,” Magnus’ voice was somewhat disappointed and worried at the same time. “You want to call the date off, don't you?”

“I- okay, but it’s not a date,” Alec insisted, voice small and breathy. Those dark irises were watching his face patiently and he sighed in frustration. “Magnus, I can’t do it, I- I want to but I-”

_ Wait _ . Why did he even say that?

“Are you seeing somebody?” the man asked, smiling a little. “See,  _ that _ wouldn't surprise me.”

“No- I’m not looking for a- a relationship right now,” Alec explained, his fist clutching involuntary by his side. “And I’m not interested in anything less than serious.”

“Well, who said I wasn’t being serious?” Magnus asked, his face reflecting his words. Alec hated the way those words made his breath hitch. Like he got to taste something that could never be his.

“But- you and I, we just  _ can’t _ ,” he repeated desperately as if he could say it without saying it.

“Because you’re a Christian?” Magnus tried.

“No, because I don’t swing that way.”

Magnus stared at him for a moment. He was clearly trying to guess if he was telling the truth.

“I’m sorry,” Alec felt the need to apologise.

“It’s alright,” Magnus waved it off but it sounded strange to Alec. He felt like the man wasn’t even replying to the his words. “I have all the time in the world.”

Alec wanted to ask him what he meant but in the last moment he changed his mind. It was for the better. One problem he didn’t have to think about anymore. He turned around-

Just to find everybody at the table watching them. When they saw he realised it, they started fumbling with their food or clothing or whatever in their reach. Only Izzy kept her gaze on her brother.

“I’m- I’ll go now, okay?” he managed to say, feeling Magnus staring at the back of his neck. Izzy looked like she couldn’t be fooled by Alec’s neutral expression.

He still needed to get away from that place. They could talk about it later.

“Already?” Clary asked. Alec wanted to flip her off.

“Yeah. Have a- fun night. Bye,” and with that, he turned around, extremely carefully avoiding Magnus’s gaze, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dramaaaa
> 
> also i was running late with this chapter because i needed to start a fic about bts being greek gods?? (((check it out if you're interested pls))) i'm an impulsive writer what can i say


	8. (not a new chapter, just a quick update)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> to be deleted once i get my shit done lmao

well hello there lovelies

so i decided to write this bc i didn't want you to think this story died or something

but i can't upload the next chapter now because ~~i haven't written it yet tbh but also~~  i'm having about 5 oral exams next week and since i've been a lazy ass all these years of high school, i need to get my motivation together and sit down to learn my ~100 chapters by tuesday next week

~~i wanna die~~

so this means that i probably won't be able to update next week either, at least not on tuesday

but i appreciate all of you who are waiting for the next chapter so fricking much <3 but please bear with me now and probably pray to the gods for me, i need it

i will get back to these adorable, angsty motherfuckers as soon as i can, just hang in there babes!!

i love you all

Anise

**Author's Note:**

> looking for a beta who likes challenges bc it's a fucking challenge to tolerate me but i mean i can give FriEndShIp in exchange ?? pls help this girl out
> 
> ps. sell my soul for comments js


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